Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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