My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
