There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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