I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
