Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
