Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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