After last night, I could never be a politician.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
