I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
