You can't special order awesome
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
