my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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