I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
