My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
