Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
