i'm signing you up for texting rehab
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
