I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Say something about gay babies.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
