just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
