You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
