Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
