Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize