My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
