i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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