He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
