Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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