If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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