So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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