I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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