Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
