my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
