hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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