Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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