I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
