i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize