at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
