Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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