I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She told me I should be a condom model.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize