Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize