You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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