oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
