so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
