Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize