This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
