Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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