i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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