No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
