Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
