She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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