Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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