Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
