Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
