currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
