Only a mothe r could love this liver
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
