it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You are the jesus of drinking
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
