I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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