I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
