So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize