My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He passed out mid-signature
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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