the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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