we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
