i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
