So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
